Yesterday, I dropped my little baby off at Camp for a two night overnight stay. I feel exhausted from the stress. She’s seven but she really wanted to go so badly. I was totally fine with it until I actually left her. I heard that going to camp is the single most meaningful & positive experience a child can have without their family, I wanted my baby to grow more confident, independent and strong… so we let her go.
However, when I saw where she was staying a big rubber tent with no screening… with no counselor in the tent, I freaked out. Someone could snatch her up in the middle of the night, she could get bitten, she could be scared and not wake anyone up… on and on my mind went into every paranoid horrible possible outcome.
She seemed fine when I left the camp, completely unaware of the potential danger her mother had left her in, I smiled and pretended all would be okay then I cried the whole way home. As soon as I got home, I called the camp director and told her how freaked out I was, she assured me the counselors checked on the kids multiple times during the night and were in the very next tent over and heard everything.
I cried some more and asked my husband if I was paranoid and crazy – he assured me that I was. I emailed my friend whose daughter also went and was greatly relieved to know her husband was as tortured as much as me and wants also to go back and pick up his baby. “Honey” I ask Mark “what do you think if I go pick her up now”… “it will not be good for her”… “oh… OK”, I know he’s right, he usually is.
I’m a grown woman, 44, when I was a kid that was OLD… now I’m a mom and inside I feel so often like a little girl with emotions that overwhelm me from insecurities to fears but as adults we call them worries. My little one is the most all-consuming of my kids, I feel guilty for wanting a break when I need one, I feel frustrated that I can never give her enough of me and sometimes she exhausts me, yet take her away for just one day and I’m lost. I miss my little angel and now I’m the clingy one.
…
I just got back from picking her up. When I went to sign her out the camp director said, “she really missed you quite a bit”… I looked at her for more information… “I mean well she was really tired and she was quite vocal about how much she missed you”… “all the time?, did she have any fun?”… “she enjoyed the crafts”. This sent my head spinning, my eyes welled with tears again paranoia sets in waited to meet her. She looks dejected then sees me and runs and we hold each other and it is beautiful, I’m holding my angel and it feels so good! Oh how I’ve missed her.
She doesn’t say much on the way home… she really liked Leah from Loudonville … there was one wasp, one mosquito and 14 spiders in the tent, there were three colors of caps, she got the middle color which meant she was a good swimmer but not in the best category, she notes that none of the kids her age got the best color, “if we wanted a counselor or to go to the bathroom at night, we had to wake up a friend to go get them” she says… “Sometimes we couldn’t find our flashlight or it didn’t work”… “did you like your counselor?” I ask… she shrugs. “Would you like to go to a camp with your sister next year where you sleep in real cabins with doors?” “maybe” she answers…
My little one rarely expresses when things go wrong, I have no idea where her head is at or what really happened, but she seems fine. And most likely, we are both stronger and better for the experience.